I think...

I think we do not spend enough time thinking.

I think we should all set aside some time, every day and try to calm our minds and think a little bit.

I think it really doesn't matter what we think about, just that we take the time to do it.

I think our minds are cluttered by a disarray of expectations, judgements, desires, internal and external competitions, and emotions...none of which are inherently bad for us. They all just seem to cloud our ability to think clearly and purposefully.

I think if we took the time to stand apart from the disarray and think objectively about ourselves, about others, about the world we construct and the world that has been constructed for us, we can understand it a little better.

What is Indy thinking about?

I think we can change if we want to.

I think changing begins with the desire to be different than we are.

I think the desire to be different than we are begins with thinking about who we are in relation to who we want to be.

I think that we don't have to change at all if we don't want to, but that we can't really know if we want to or not if we don't take the time to think about it.

What do you think?

Status Post Comps, Part 1

Five days, 47.5 hours and 50 pages later, I emerged from the office after sending off the answers to my comprehensive exams. What did I learn from that experience and what would I suggest? 

These are in no particular order...

1) I actually was prepared to answer most of the questions. I guess those past two years and a half of coursework and practica helped after all....

2) Sitting in one place with the only movement being your fingers typing and your eyeballs darting back and forth for 4-5 straight hours at a time causes horrible pain in your back, legs, hips, wrists, arms....well, pretty much your entire body, I guess. It's best to either transfer to a standing position for a few hours at a time, or take frequent breaks to walk around, do some stretching, and basically look away from the computer screen.

3) Google is your friend. It really, really is a repository for anything and everything for which you could possibly need to search. 'Nuff said.

4) Reference management software is also your friend, but only if you treat it nicely and give it some guidance. When I was compiling all of my references, I categorized them into different sections (e.g., measurement, theory, effects, study design). This came in super handy when I was looking for references on a specific topic. You don't necessarily have to put them in separate folders in the program (I use Zotero or EndNote). You can also tag them by putting a keyword in one of the reference fields (I like "Tags" in Zotero or "Notes" in EndNote). Then you can search specifically in that field for that term.

5) I actually feel more prepared to work on my dissertation after answering the questions my committee provided. They weren't questions that were designed to completely stump you and make you feel like and idiot. They were questions that were thoughtful, with no clear answer, for which you could provide evidence and make a solid argument. They were questions that challenged me to read beyond what I'm familiar with and synthesize the material into a cogent answer. They were questions that made me think about potential flaws and threats to validity for my study design and research plan. They were questions that were designed to make me think about what I was proposing to do and how I was proposing to do it. In a nutshell, they were questions that were essential to expanding my knowledge and making me a better researcher. 

6) Organization is key. I had 8 questions to answer in 5 days. I don't think I would have been able to do this without a little organization. Prior to the start of the exams, I had taken all of the articles that I thought would be pertinent and separated them out according to categories (similar to what I did with the citations). I had read through each and made a word document of notes in table and narrative format. I highlighted the key points of each article. I took those notes and placed them with each category of articles in little piles all over the room. Okay, so I had a stack of papers covering the floor. But I knew exactly what was in each stack and had summaries of the stacks. So, it was all organized my way. This made searching the papers for information so much easier and didn't take tons of time. I think organization should also extend to the writing portion of the paper. For each question, I wrote a very short outline of the topics that were absolutely essential to cover. This helped me organize my thoughts so I could fill in each outline section with the appropriate material. Again: organization is key....and save soooo much time.

7) You can still go out and do things you like/need to do while doing your comps. Don't be a shut in. As a matter of fact, I think getting outside every now and then can be refreshing and give you a better perspective when you return to sit/stand at your computer. A little hour here and there won't decrease your productivity. Beside, you have to eat sometime, right?? I took some time to go to yoga, do the usual grocery shopping, and clean a little bit around the house. Each time I returned to my computer to write, I felt rejuvenated and more relaxed. 

8) It seems simple, but stay hydrated. This will help you take breaks anyways ;)

9) Let other people know what you are doing - It's good to have a support team to cheer you on, and to celebrate with you when you finish 

10) Despite my relief at being done with the written portion, I'm not done yet....so this feeling is sort of anticlimactic. I have the oral defense in about 4 weeks. So now I get to sit and stew a little before I go before my committee. Had I thought this out a little better, I think I would have tried to schedule this as close to the two weeks post submission as possible. Oh well....I guess I'll keep busy with other projects, for now....

Resolutions

It's a new year and as is customary, I am pondering a few different resolutions. In thinking about resolving, or maybe about being more resolute, I began to wonder why we equate a new year to new hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Is the new year really a reset button? A chance to start over? If making resolutions is linked to the start of a new, fresh timeline, why not decrease the time it takes to make us feel excited about change to 24 hours? Why not make resolutions every day? The answer is that it would really get tiresome. Imagine getting all ramped up to plan for a new day, every day, every week, every month, 365 days of the year. Where's the excitement in that? Better to reserve that energy for a big milestone, not each 365 days of the year, but each year of 365 days...

With all of that rationalizing out of my system, on to my resolutions. When setting goals, or making resolutions, one should adhere to the SMART criteria: set goals that are SPECIFIC, MEASUREABLE, ATTAINABLE, RELEVANT, TIME-BOUND. My resolutions are two-fold: a little something the body and the mind!

For my body, I resolve to train for two half marathons this year. I've been working on building my mileage and doing some weight training despite the hectic holiday season. I've already signed up for one that is (seemingly rapidly) approaching in early March - the Seaside Half Marathon. It's a slightly hilly run along scenic 30A in the Gulf Coast of Florida. It's also sponsored by Vera Bradley, and I suppose that is a partial motivator for signing up for this one! The second half marathon will be in the fall - the Pensacola Half Marathon. Unfortunately, this will involve training during the warm summer months. Thank god for the occasional air-conditioned treadmill run...

I had a low motivation semester this past Fall. So, for my mind, I resolve to remain focused on this doctoral program with planned graduation 2014.  Specifically, I'm preparing for my comps for late January. Here's the kicker though, I won't be done with my comps until mid February! I have a written part (January) and then an oral defense (mid February). I get to wait in anxiety for almost 4 weeks in between. Yay. Oh, wait, I'm already sounding downtrodden. Hold on, let me put on my excited, resolute tone....When I'm done with my comps, I get to (drum roll) work on my dissertation! Yipee! No, actually, that is real excitement. Partially because I already have a specific timeline prepared (with milestones!) for this phase of my program. Also, for the past few years, I've been working on courses that have been preparing me for this period....and soon (fingers crossed), I'll get to be in that phase. Just...a ....few....more...hoops.

So that's it. Two resolutions. Of course, there are a number of little resolutions that lead to the accomplishment of the two big ones. So maybe we don't get out of making shorter-term goals along the way. They may not be every 24 hours, but perhaps we'd consider every few days? These little resolutions and any related, small successes or failures can be documented along the way....and I'll be able to look back at the end of this new year and say that I've made the progress I had once resolved to make.

That First Presentation....

I gave my first research presentation in DC early September....in front of a bunch of nurse researchers! Needless to say, I was super nervous. But, I made it through the 15 minutes and didn't die. I guess that's good news. I did have a few tips that I'll need to remember before the next one - slated for March 2013...

1) Practice until you start hearing your speech in your dreams...or maybe nightmares. There is something comforting about being able to recite what you plan on saying on a treadmill, in your head, in the car, to your dog. 

2) Watch what you eat the morning of...and be sure you actually do eat! I didn't want my stomach attacking me during the presentation, so I tried to eat lightly. But I also didn't want to feel lightheaded from hypoglycemia! I made sure to eat some fruit and some carbs...something, at least to tie me over. Oh, and plenty of water!!

3) Scope out the room. I actually ran into the room the morning of the presentation and practiced there. I tried to imagine what it would look like using the presentation software and seeing people in front of me. At least I knew what to expect in terms of the environment (e.g., Was there a podium? Was there room to walk around? Where there wires I needed to avoid so I don't trip and fall flat on my face? Was it bitter cold or swelteringly hot in there?)

4) Before you start, it's okay to tell your audience that this is your first time. I thought, hey, what the heck, might as well let them know so they won't expect toooo much. Well, after I told them, they gave me a supportive round of applause. They were really, really nice. I think the older nurse researchers really do want to help build and grow future nurse researchers. I was a little scared because I didn't really think there were a lot of students at this conference, but I was so happy that everyone was very supportive...My advisor said that I can say that it's my second, third, and fourth too....Not sure when the cut off is, but I think at least those few should help!

Well, that is all I can think of...to think, all this anxiety over a 15 minute presentation. To be honest, I was most worried about the questions. Luckily, I only had one question, and it wasn't too terrible. I had given my speech to my husband and asked him what he thought and what questions he had. It's always best to be prepared! 

Summer Motivation

The semester is over and I've successfully survived two years of grad school. It's been a crazy last few weeks though, filled with on-campus days, a busy research practicum, a Vegas-style Bachelorette Party, a quick trip to D.C., and a weekend zoom through our future state of residence: Sunny Florida. Actually, the last thing on my mind these days is school. I'm busy thinking about packing, moving, how my research assistant, Indy, will manage to survive the trip (he's gets horribly car sick), and general other rest-of-my-life-stuff. But I just received two sources of funding, so I really do have to stay the course and continue being productive through the summer. After all, I've only got about two more courses to go before my comps and then the dissertation phase follows. Now is not the time to lose momentum...or my motivation. I figure having these sources of funding will help keep me on track. I have to provide periodic reports on my accomplishments and activities to continue the funding. That's good motivation right? Perhaps I should create a mantra to remind me that funding = motivation...

Spring Break

Spring break is just around the corner - next week in fact. Of course, when you are in grad school, spring break doesn't really mean what it used to in undergrad. I've got a long list of projects to work on. As with anything, though, it's important to have a little balance with your work, so I've also created a list of "distractions!"

1) Score a PR for two upcoming 5Ks on 24th and 31st
2) Clean both bathrooms in our house
3) Get the dog a bath
4) Vacuum
5) Go through old clothes and shoes for potential donations
6) .....Oh, I ran out of distractions.....

Well, that's okay. Other than item #1, the distractions were actually starting to make me more interested in getting back to school work anyways.

Just Doing my Job, Ma'am....

I think I've had a sort of "a-ha" moment this past week. Well, actually, I've had a few of them. I love making lists, so here they are:

1) Being in graduate school is really a job. Unfortunately, you are not getting paid for it, so it's really really hard to think about it as a job. But you are spending a large part of your day working. Let's look at the characteristics of a "job" outside the potential-for-pay aspect. It involves work. It involves stress. It involves deadlines. It involves minimizing distractions. It involves time management skills. It involves an occasional sinking feeling that you may not be able to finish your work by a certain deadline. On the flipside, it also involves a profound feeling of satisfaction when you do actually make that deadline and are rewarded for your efforts. Grad school is all of this. Except instead of getting paid for all of this work, you are actually paying the institution. Hmmm....that just doesn't seem right.

2) You are supposed to feel somewhat overwhelmed. Mentors and professors prefer to call it "being challenged" because it makes it sound like you are struggling for a logical reason. I had a nice conversation with my husband about this because over the past few weeks, I honestly feel like I can't possibly do everything that I am supposed to be doing with school work. And I am a full time student. I don't work. I just sit at home all day and do school stuff (oh, and think about what to write on this blog periodically). Seriously, how is it, I ask myself, that I actually feel swamped when I have nothing else but school work to do? My husband says that this is grad school....this is what it is like to work on your doctorate. It is all-consuming. It is overpowering. And it is sometimes a drag. I constantly have school on my mind. I get up in the morning and one of the first things I do is turn on my computer and log onto Blackboard. Talk about obsessed.

3) In a few months, I will be my own boss. I do wonder what it will be like when I finish my course work and move on to dissertation work. Right now, I have external deadlines from classes. I march to the beat of someone else's drum. What will happen when I have to create self-imposed deadlines?? I'm dreading it already. It's going to be like I'm self-employed and I'm not sure I have the discipline for that, yet! In a sense I can see why there are so many "ABDs" out there (ABD = All But Dissertation). It seems like it would be easy to "take a little break before one starts dissertation work" and then get lost back in the "real world."

So there are my "a-ha's." Or maybe they are "ho-hum's." Better yet, after re-reading it all, perhaps they just amount to bunch of "oh-no's."

A Matter of Speaking

I have a horrible aversion to public speaking. I would even say that the aversion borders on pathological. But, as I am discovering throughout this graduate program, public speaking appears to be an essential component of being a successful graduate student, researcher, and educator. No surprise there, I guess.

I've heard that public speaking rates higher than death on people's list of fears (Wallace, Wallechinsky, & Wallace, 1983). And people have advised me on all sorts of different ways to beat that fear of public speaking. My favorite is to picture your audience naked. Naked, huh? Yikes.

So I've decided to take the bull by the horns and do a crash course on public speaking. I joined a local public speaking/speech group to get over this nerve-wracking, nausea-inducing fear of public speaking. Is it working? Well, I've only done 3 speeches to far and surprisingly, I think that my nervousness has improved a little bit. But is it because I'm speaking to familiar people now? Is it because I speak in the same location all the time? Is it because I prepare up the whazoo to the point where I can actually run 30 minutes on a treadmill repeating the speech over and over without a mistake? Perhaps all of the above? Regardless, I think it's the exposure. Exposure to our fears, as long as they aren't going to kill you (e.g., I have a fear of sharks, but I'm not about to swimming with a Great White just to get over it), can help you get more comfortable with that fear. And, if you experience successes in overcoming that fear (e.g., completing 3 speeches without passing out, puking on your audience, or running screaming from the room), that also contributes to decreasing anxiety related to that fear.

I suppose the true test will be to give a paper or podium presentation at a research conference. In the meantime, I'll sign up for more speeches, get as much exposure as possible, so I can start re-dressing the members of my audience.

Wallace, A. Wallechinsky, D. & Wallace, I.  (1983).  The Book of Lists. New York, NY: Morrow Books.

What a Week....!

And the week isn't even over yet....

But not to worry, it's been a great week so far. I received two pieces of awesome news this week!

Oiselle's Happy Hoodie

1) I now get to run for Oiselle as one of their ambassadors of running. It's a great opportunity to represent a a great company created by and dedicated to women runners of all abilities. And I really mean all abilities. Although I love running, I'm not at all a fast runner. But Oiselle supports all sorts of women runners across the country! How awesome is that? Oh, and did I mention that they have the best running clothes ever?? Check out their running tees and this nifty hoodie just in time for spring!

Oiselle T to celebrate
40 yrs of Title IX

2) Drum roll....NIH/NINR has awarded me pre-doc funding! Yay! That's really good news since I have a couple more years in my program. Every little bit of $$ helps! But even more exciting is that someone out there is interested in my research. That's kind of a nice, warm fuzzy feeling. I'm still navigating the logistics of the grant process, but hopefully I'll figure it out soon.

Whew....I'm not sure the week can get any better than this, but hey, I'm not opposed to a bit more happiness on the horizon!

The Wonderful World of Revising Manuscripts

I just submitted a revision for a manuscript that was originally rejected from one journal and that is now teetering on the precipice of another rejection from a second journal. While I am definitely not a world-class revision-ist (that isn't even a word....), I think that I've learned a few tidbits of wisdom along the way.

Regarding Reviewers:
1) Be advised: They don't hate you. They just hate your work. They wouldn't know you if you walked right past them in the street today. Oh yeah, you wouldn't know them either. They could be the researcher sitting right next to you at the next conference. While this was meant to be a comforting thought, it doesn't ever really prevent me from narrowing my eyes at that person next to me....

2) One day you may be a reviewer too. Sweet.

Reading through the Comments:
1) Develop a thick, adamantium skin. Reading people's critique of your work hurts. It's unpleasant, nauseating, and aggravating. A glass of wine helps.

Indy's response to addressing reviewer comments.

2) Once you get over the frustration, anger, disappointment, or general wallowing in a pool of self-doubt, realize that you have been given the chance to try again. The editorial board could have outright rejected your work, but that didn't happen. There was some potential and worth to what you've done and they are giving you an opportunity to generate a stronger product. Don't believe me? A glass of wine may help you realize this point.

Writing the Revision:
1) Take some time to digest the comments. This will allow your anger, confusion, and self-doubt.

2) Copy and paste all the comments onto a new document so you will be sure to address every last sentence of bitter criticism. Sometimes, you find that there are actually 2 or 3 criticisms in one sentence (lucky you!). Do your best to address them all, despite your fascination with how someone can be so cruel in the span of 8 words.

3) Another fun nugget: Sometimes two or three different reviewers catch you on the same issue. This is a good thing. Now you can write one response/revision and use it to answer more than one reviewer comment. Yay!

4) A glass of wine (or 2, or 3...) will help to blunt many of the negative feelings you may have towards the human race in general or towards any individual humans in the immediate vicinity during the revision process.

A Welcome Winter Break

Ah, at last! My last (and only) final exam is done for the semester. All my papers are in. My proposal is written. And the Christmas shopping is complete. I think it's time to relax. And what, you may ask, does a PhD student do to relax? You may think that it involves catching up on reading those journals that have piled up over the past few months tagged with "interesting articles that I'll get to later." Or maybe it has something to do with reading that fascinating text on research methodology. Oh wait, I've got it! Nothing says relaxing like sifting through PubMed to update a literature review for your dissertation project.

My research assistant evaluates my proposed reading list.

No, no, no. Silly reader. I am actually going to be nestled somewhere in the (hopefully snowy) northeast, away from wi-fi connectivity (that means no online journal databases). The only articles I'll be reading are from US Weekly (yes, it's true...). And the only book-like materials that are making the trip with me are from NPR's list of top fiction books of the year (sorry Polit & Beck and Cooper, et al.). It will probably be strange to be disconnected from something I've been living and breathing for the last year and a half. But, all I have to do is remind myself that although for ten days I'll be without those school-y things that happily haunt me here at home, they'll be waiting for me when I get back...still in their dusty piles marked "things to do" and muttering so only I can hear: "Oh, how we've missed you...."

Riding the Scholarly Pain Train

The semester is coming to a close. With only two weeks left before the end, I've found myself scrambling to get everything done and focusing on that distant light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, the light only signals the exit from one area of darkness. Sure there is a brief gasp of fresh air, sunlight, and the freedom to read best-selling fiction again. But another ominous tunnel looms before me: Spring semester. And who knows what horrors lie in those shadows.  


The good news: I will be done with a majority of my coursework by the end of that semester. Yay! Oh wait….that means I'll have to sit for my comps next. And then, I'll be working on my dissertation. And then, oh no, I'll have to defend after that. Then I have to get *gasp* a job? Or maybe hold off and find a post-doc? A scholar's work is never done. That is, if one considers oneself a scholar. And just when I've decided that, hey, this scholarly stuff isn't so bad as long as you break it down into baby steps, I realize that I'll be baby stepping it for a long time - from tunnel to tunnel through an introspective fog of confidence-crushing, doubt-inducing darkness each time. So probably it's best to just keep heading towards the light, no matter how fleeting those bright and shiny moments may be.

Conferences, Conferences

One of the hardest parts of being a distance student is a sense of disconnectedness from your peers and mentors. This disconnectedness can lead to a loss of momentum and motivation in the program. So what is a student to do?? This fall, I've been attending a few research conferences. The first was the Council for the Advancement of Nursing Science's Special Topics in DC. And now, I'm currently at the Gerontological Society of America Annual Scientific Meeting in Boston, MA. I actually submitted a late-breaker abstract this year, but it wasn't accepted. Alas. Regardless, I thought going to the conference would be a good idea anyways. And I was right!

Going to these research conferences is like a burst of inspiration and motivation. Seriously. Here I am rubbing elbows with some of the best researchers in my area of interest. I actually did a 4 mile run with one of them this morning!  We had a nice conversation about our research interests and what opportunities there may be for a PhD graduate a few years from now. Wow. Not only that, I get to talk to other PhD students in various stages of obtaining their degrees during the poster sessions, and network with universities that may be offering post-doc opportunities. I've found myself volunteering to participate in interest groups and task forces. Plus, walking through the poster sessions and listening to the symposia and paper sessions gets me thinking about different ways of studying my area of interest. Even better, I'm starting to see the benefits of that first year of course work! Even my statistics classes, if you can believe it.

I went to the same conferences last year and I can definitely tell a difference in my understanding of the research presentations this year. So all that hard work was productive after all….imagine that. I actually know what it means to "adjust for covariates" and to "use the Bonferroni correction." Not only that, I'm starting to critically appraise other researchers' methods. Not that I would openly question them at this point. I usually reserve that discussion for some of the familiar faculty who are also at the conference. That's another thing, I really get to interact with faculty from the university here. I am able to listen to their research presentations and see them in a different light other than solely an educator. I get to pick their brain about life after graduation, such as what to expect when thinking about/going up for tenure or what to look for in jobs afterwards.

So all in all, it's been a great few days here in Boston. And I'm going to be leaving here feeling all jazzed up about research and nursing and whatnot. Plus, the wheels are already turning as I ponder what other conferences I can get to so I can keep the motivation train going…

Chemistry Cat

Oh, Chemistry Cat, so clever you are!
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2011/07/26/funny-pictures-chemistry-cat-science-puns/

Show Me the Money!

Round two of writing grants begins! Well, actually, it's not really a "round" two, but more like "attempt" two. This year I'm again trying for the Hartford/BAGNC scholarship, for which I was rejected last year. Rejected. That seems like such a harsh word. Maybe there's a better word: deferred, respectfully declined for funding…What I really mean is that maybe I have been given the opportunity to build upon the my application of last year, right? (a la silver lining, bright side, etc.,)I'm one year wiser, so that should make for an even better application….unless they reject this one two. And then, maybe I'm not so wise…

How many different ways can someone say: "Please give me money??" It's not really the asking part that's hard. It's the justification. Consider the following:

-"I'm smart and I've got a lot of really, really good ideas…Really."

-"Ummm, I'm getting kind of hungry, now."

-"Please, my existence just needs some sort of external justification."

-"My advisor/school/parents/other authority figure told me I need this."

-"I thought this time through school, someone was supposed to pay me to do this….Otherwise I definitely wouldn't have considered a potential 6 more years."

-"The economy made me do it."

Surely, you'd give a bunch of money to anyone using these reasons, right?

Ringing in the New Semester

Ah, the start of a new semester. Oh, wait, what is that feeling? Excitement? Dread? Hopeful anticipation? Nausea? Maybe all of the above. The first year, we were blank slates. We didn’t know what to expect. We faced our potential challenges with the bright, moist eyes of newbies, optimists, and instruments of change! Now after enduring a year of proposal writing, grant submission, nursing theory, and…*gulp*.… statistics, we approach the new year with hesitation, doubt, maybe fear, and, at least in my case, indigestion. One must ask oneself: Why am I causing myself so much discomfort??

Well, it’s not all that bad, really. There are the moments of peace and happiness. The joy of an accepted manuscript submission, the excitement of successfully presenting a poster, the relief of not passing out in front of an audience of faculty members during a presentation. Yes, small successes can sometimes wipe away that unpleasant sensation of knowing that, despite all of the challenges you’ve surmounted, there are more that await. I’m crossing my fingers that the scales tip more towards achievements rather than obstacles this year.

I am soooo great....No, really, I am....Really...Please believe me!

Have you written drafts for letters of recommendations for the people from whom that you are asking them? I've done a few, and I have to say, they are far more difficult to write than an actual proposal. How many different ways can I expound on the few basic accomplishments that I've achieved so far? Or perhaps in writing the draft, I've just realized that I'm just not as special as I thought I was (unfortunately, a three sentence paragraph is not enough to let reviewers know how spectacular you are....).

The thesaurus is my friend. My very, very good friend. See, usually you will need more than one letter of reference or letter of recommendation, and some of those who have agreed to write them will likely need a draft of your amazing character and ability. The thing is, these letters (usually 3) will be read by all the reviewers. So if you have the same letter from all your references, they will get a little suspicious even though drafting parts of these letters may be common practice. Alas, you must learn to paint yourself in a glowing light many times over. So, the first one I write really is not that bad. I can make myself sound pretty good. The second one is okay. But the third, or whatever final number remains?? Yikes.

Here's and example:
1) "The applicant has demonstrated exceptional research focus and academic excellence during her brief time at the university. In her first year as a doctoral student, she has published two papers and presented at both local and national research conferences in her brief time at the university."
2) The applicant is dedicated to scholarly achievement as evidenced by her commitment to the dissemination of research knowledge and her academic performance.
3) The applicant is passionate about research and has essentially surrounded herself with all things scholarly and research-oriented. This level of obsessive isolationism demonstrates her profound dedication to a life of science and solitude.
4) The applicant is really smart. And she can write things and sometimes people listen to her when she talks about this stuff.
5) Please choose her. Otherwise she will continue to ask me for letters of reference.

A suggestion: keep copies of all of your fantastical permutations. You may need to submit another proposal for another grant that won't be read by the same reviewers....

Rejection

Let's start with this post with a famous quote from the extraordinarily wise and handsome Man-In-Black (a.k.a. Westley): "Get used to disappointment."

The Dread Pirate Roberts, telling it like it is.

This should be a mantra for any grad student seeking some kind of manuscript publication, funding, or general cheer in their journey through grad school. Okay, well, maybe I exaggerate and am now falling into the category of drama queen. But I am writing this fresh after a rejection of a recent manuscript....I should say that it took almost 5 months to receive said rejection. I think maybe it would have been better to just send me something almost immediately after submission...perhaps an instantly generated email that kicked back and said: "Well, thank you for your submission, but naaaah, we don't think so...." Instead I waited with bated breath! Oh, alright, I didn't really (the drama queen rears her ugly head again). Actually, I kind of forgot about the manuscript once I hit the submit button.

Which brings us to another topic about manuscripts, and I think proposals for funding as well. Revisions! Had I received a recommendation to revise the manuscript, I would probably be grumbling as well. This is because of the last sentence of the last paragraph. Anyone have any suggestions on keeping those durn manuscripts fresh in your mind after you've completely forgotten about them?? I suppose this is a bad thing to admit, forgetting about a manuscript...especially after you have spent so much time and effort in writing, revising, and preparing it for submission. Perhaps I will gain better memory skills as I progress?

So, another reason for writing this post is due to my imminent dread as I prepare to submit a NRSA proposal. My last proposal for funding (not a NRSA pre-doc) was rejected earlier this year. Thus as I meticulously assign 26 letters to various permutations to create reasonably intelligible communication pleading for my potential and worth as a researcher, I simultaneously gird my loins in preparation for rejection and the battle with my self-esteem! I now understand when my advisor suggests that I celebrate all accomplishments, even the smaller ones. Victory may be few and far between in the years ahead.

The Pen

No, not that sort of pen. This past weekend I decided to take a day trip to Jefferson City to check out the Missouri State Penitentiary. They were having a 175th Anniversary celebration.

It closed in 2004 and has been open to the public for tours of its decaying skeleton. It used to house some of the biggest names during the Prohibition era, like "Pretty Boy" Floyd. It also was home to James Earl Ray, who managed to escape prior to events that led to his infamy. Anyways, it was kind of an eerie tour. The guide, who used to work there, took us to the cell block that was once reserved for Black prisoners prior to integration of the institution. We also meandered through Death Row, visited "the Dungeon," where prisoners were kept in complete darkness underground for weeks at a time, and finished the tour off with taking a gander at the gas chamber. It was actually created out of parts of a submarine to ensure that it was indeed airtight. You and a friend could sit in the stuffy, small space. There are seats for two. As a matter of fact, in the only execution of a female prisoner, the woman, Bonnie Brown Heady was seated right next to her partner in crime, Carl Austin Hall for the big event.


The Missouri State Penitentiary, once the largest prisoner institution west of the Mississippi, still seems to carry the ghosts of its past breathing from its dilapidated, paint-peeled walls. And for the price of $12, you too can take a 2 hour tour to listen to their stories and imagine for yourself what life was like in the Pen.

Study Hall

Fill 'er up at Lakota Coffee Co.'s Gas Pumps

Finding a comfortable place to study that provides the perfect amount of white noise, coupled with an studious ambiance and a continuous flow of consciousness-altering, mind-focusing caffeine is essential when you are reading about qualitative research designs or coding intervention studies. So far, I have visited two locations in the area and here are their pros and cons.


1) Lakota Coffee
Pros:
-Fun Baristas

The view from my seat

-DELICIOUS, though ADDICTIVE coffee that will make you feel like you've run a mile at top speed
-Yummy chocolate chip cookies
-Tasty selection of sandwiches and other pastries and treats
-Sell their own coffee so you can achieve tachycardia at home
-Great ambiance and fun decor
-Convenient hours to fit the early bird (me) or the night owl (not me)6AM-12AM Mon-Sat and 6:30AM-12:00AM on Sun.
-Free wifi

Those tables are rough on
the knees...

Cons:
-Pricey
-It does smell like a coffee roasting place, so if you don't want that smell all over you when you leave, beware.
-Seats are way comfy, but table as a bit awkward. They have places to rest your feet, but at least for me, my knees kept knocking the upper portion of the design under the table.



2) Panera Bread
Pros:
-Really good food. And they have options so that the food is good for you (salads, fruits, and whatnot)
-On their website, you can see the nutrition information of their foods.
-Yummy chocolate chip cookies - it is recommended that you do NOT look at the nutritional information of this item. It will only depress you. Especially, after you've already eaten it, and then thought to look it up.
-Comfy booths
-Free wifi

Cons:
-The place is kept at temperatures equivalent to an arctic chill. Seriously a deal breaker at times. If you do plan on going, bring your parka.
-Coffee is just okay. It does the trick at keeping you focused, but not the best tasting stuff.
-Yeah, they're pricey too...
-Can get fairly crowded and noisy at times.

For now, Lakota wins out for me...mostly because I just can't get over how good their coffee is. I will have to get a barrel of it when I leave. But wait, no need to haul it with me. They have a website! Oh, the wonders of the interwebs. If only I could order their entire shop to hang out in while I study.